The Courage to Be Disliked
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
“The courage to be free is here.”
The Courage to Be Disliked
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga · 2013
This work is a dialogue by Ichiro Kishimi, a Japanese philosopher specializing in Adlerian psychology, and Fumitake Koga, a writer. Kishimi spent decades studying Alfred Adler's work, which he found liberating but not widely known. He wanted to make these powerful ideas accessible. Koga, feeling lost and dissatisfied with life, represents the reader. He challenges the philosopher with the very questions and doubts we all face, making the profound concepts of Adlerian psychology easy to grasp and incredibly relevant to our modern struggles for happiness and freedom.
A core idea is the rejection of trauma as a definite cause. The book argues that your past does not determine your present; instead, we choose our current state to achieve a hidden goal. The philosopher uses an example of a man who stays shut in his room due to social anxiety. Traditional psychology might blame past trauma. Adlerian psychology suggests he *unconsciously chose* his anxiety as an excuse to stay home, achieving his goal of avoiding potential social rejection and keeping his parents focused on him. This puts the power back in your hands: if you chose your state, you can also choose to change it.
The book makes a bold claim: all problems are, at their root, interpersonal relationship problems. Your feelings of anxiety and inferiority only exist because you live in a community with other people. To illustrate, the philosopher explains the 'inferiority complex.' It's not about being objectively worse, but about the subjective feeling you have in comparison to others. He notes that even boasting is a sign of feeling inferior; someone who is truly confident in their worth doesn't need to constantly seek validation or prove their superiority. True self-worth comes from within, not from social comparison.
A revolutionary concept for achieving freedom is the 'separation of tasks.' This means clearly distinguishing what is your responsibility and what is someone else's. You are only responsible for your own choices, not the outcomes or how others react. The book uses the example of a parent and a child who won't study. The parent's task is to encourage and support, but the ultimate decision to study is the child's task. Forcing the child is interfering. Similarly, whether someone likes you or not is *their* task, not yours. Your task is to live authentically. This separation frees you from the burden of pleasing everyone.
So how do you start? Begin by practicing the separation of tasks. Ask yourself, 'Whose task is this?' and let go of controlling what isn't yours. Build 'self-acceptance' by acknowledging your limits. Then, focus on 'contribution to others,' not for praise, but for the inherent feeling of being useful and having a place. This gives you true belonging. The courage to be disliked is the courage to live freely, focusing on the here and now. Life isn't a line to a destination; it is a series of moments. Live each one earnestly, and you will find you have already been living a good life.